to be continued

When I read the book of Colossians, I am struck with the theme of thankfulness. It comes up 7 times, in light of some heavy aspects of life:
In community (1:3)
In salvation (1:12)
In sanctification (2:6)
In freedom from anxiety (3:15)
In serving and worshippping (3:16)
In everything we say and do (3:17)
And in our prayer life (4:2)

Instead, I live my life running to experiences, situations, people, and things looking to be satisfied. And one of my biggest fears is that one day I'll wake up when I'm 80, and wonder how life has passed me so quickly by.

A while back, I heard this inner voice, quietly beckoning me to be content and thankful. It grows louder and louder as the days go by until I've finally decided to think about it. I want to learn to be peaceful and grateful for even the littlest things.

I've begun to make a list:

-My moms classical book collection

-The sound of a friend taking my needs to the Lord

- A quiet moment by the Christmas tree

-An unexpected gift
...

Raining On My Own Parade

I picture a little boy, so excited for his little bug that he squishes it. A bubbly baby so enthralled by his cupcake, doing the only thing he knows- face plants into the mound of icing. Sweethearts holding hands so tightly, it cuts off circulation.

This is what I want to write about- loving people to the point of hurting them. Being so delighted and grateful for friendships till it gets to be too much. In much reflection lately, I see these themes echoing true for me.

It goes like this. Have you ever spoken the truth in love, at just the wrong time?
Cared to the point of meddling?
Pursued knowing till it threatening emotional safety?

I'm guilty of all these things, and if youre in my life, its not fair to you but I'm sure you see it.

Just the other day, over a hazelnut steamer, I had to warn a friend, give her a heads up before it's too late "if were going to be close, I'm going to hurt you". If youre reading this and know what I'm talking about, I'm so sorry. If you dont, consider this your own warning- soon you'll know. Its my own fault- my sin nature and my longing for relationships make a perilous combo.

The great Henri Nouwen, the profound scholar of relationship in light of the human condition, writes that until we embrace our lonliness, we cannot really welcome anyone in.

So, today I'm spending the day alone. With my homework, and coffee, and a journal- in a quiet and desperate need of Christ's mercy in navigating through these things and the security that only relationship with Him offers.

In light of this, if you're still in I'm still in.

My Job

I dont know if anyone really knows this, or much about this, but I have a job. I am a working woman. I'm a graduate assistant at my school. I was working like a second ago, and it hit me that this is my secret life. SO I thought why not blog about it?

I'm sitting in an office, with a big window that reveals the whole city. I can smell Hershey's chocolate cooking in the next building over. I'm basically a research assistant; I gather and analyse data a professor's current projects. Its not as glamorous as it even sounds. I work with charts and numbers. I was so lucky to get this job, and blown away by the Lords provision and faithfulness, as I took one of the biggest faith testing steps of my life: going to grad school.

I really like the professor I work for. Every once in a blue moon shes here in her office. We talk about Cleveland, adoption, and Africa! There's a really good coffee machine down the hall that brews fresh cups of Caribou coffee. Adele and Taylor Swift are frequently on my playlist, as well as James MacDonald's current sermons. Today I had a visit from one of my favorite friends Kim Duff, and welcome the opportunity to see Natalie Shull every chance I get. I like this job, I do. But every time I'm alone in this office I'm reminded of how much I love people and was created for relationships.

In This Moment

Sparkling water. A fireplace. Huge beautifully framed photographs. Bookshelves from floor to ceiling with all the classics. My sweet friends are arriving any minute. I'm at the Pig, and this place has almost everything I love.  I'm supposed to be studying for my midterm on human behavior in social environment. Thats silly. Instead, Im going to blog about my behavior in this social environment.

This place makes me think and dream. I'm thinking about how guilty I feel for snapping at the little girls I sit for; "Im not your cleaning lady!" I said, as mean as I could muster. Im thinking about the retreat I'm going on this weekend with my mom, and how I love when I get to be close to her. I'm dreaming about a painting I'm about to create, and about how I will decorate my someday home to look a little like this coffee shop. I'm thinking about the gospel, and how it effects every aspect of our lives, in ways I've never understood before. And I cant wait for Denise and Olivia to arrive, so I can talk their ears off, like usual.

Thats it.

Excerpts

The following are excerpts from my life, stated plainly.

-" I had a cow with red spots. She was small, with two horns, one of which was broken!". Then we laugh together. This is my boyfriend's mom- Mrs. Bilskiy. She shares her life with me, through the translation of her son!

- I sat in class yesterday. We were talking about object transference. The girl behind me burst into tears, sharing about how she once had a bear and lost it. My first reaction was to laugh (internally of course). And then on second thought I was ashamed. I dont know what it was like for her.

That's it.

Under the Willow Tree

Wake up at 7:17. Check.

Sit on the swing in my yard, with the Lord and Maxwell House. Check. Check. Everything is going as planned.

"Why is there so much bad coffee in this world" I ask myself, when a bird swoops into my life and poops on my arm. That'll teach me. 

Go to drawing class. Check. Cover my whole face in charcoal residue. Get laughed at by prof and peers alike. 

Go with some 8-year olds on a bike trip to the park for a picnic under a willow tree. Write in our journals, read some books, take some naps. Think about branches and feathers and being hidden in the shadow of the Lord Almighty (Psalm 91:4). 

Make some chicken curry salad for dinner.

This has been my day. Its so typical. How about yours?

The Land Before Time

The following an an excerpt from my journal:


       This will be one of my fondest memories in Africa, the days spent here on the Ouhave Farm, a cattle ranch. Every evening we come home from a place of immense suffering, to a sanctuary of peace and tranquility. The vast contrast sets my thoughts above; I cant help but think about heaven. I think this farm is as close as I will get to it until eternity.


       We come home from a place where the sun scorches the earth, to a place where the same sun casts glorious shadows and fills the sky with every brilliant color imaginable. This place is filled with garden after garden, where I walk and think "where do I want to spend time with my Lord today"? I sit and watch the kodos (long horned antelope) run by in their packs and wild ostriches chase each other through the trees, frolick back, and start all over again. Peacocks sit at my feet, and I am covered in their feathers.


          When we gather at the table with Biana and Hans, they have prepared for us a feast. Homemade bread and fig jam, fresh cheeses and newly hunted game. My only troubles here are this: do I really want another cup of coffee? Its the home of this delightful family, who allow us to share in their wonderful stories and intellect and laughter. Even as I write this, I watch Hans clean his gun with his 8 year old son, and repair their canoe for their afternoon out. He is teaching him everything he needs to know about being a man. They are so kind. They know and care for even the smallest of insects.


                                               This is life as its supposed to be.


          When our Lord returns, He's going to bring us, His family, back to the Garden, and we'll live life as intended. Where the lion will live with the lamb and there will be no suffering or tears. There we will walk with our Lord through the shade, we will behold His beauty and feast of His goodness, well sing His praises and understand His sovereign hand.


"My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest"                (Isaiah 32).

A Million Words

 

                                                             Havannah

As we would drive into Havannah everyday, I would see these brother and sisters hiking along the side of the road.  Everyday they would file in late and sit quietly in the front row, and slip out right after the service. I finally asked who they were. I was told that they followed the pastors daughter to church one day 2 years ago- and they have been coming ever since!

                          Youth group @ Pilgrim Church- Bible memorization!

                           Sunday School in Havannah

 

                        Yeah you're seeing correctly. I was dumbfounded.

                                                              Ouhave Cattle Farm!

                                                                Vultures

 Himba women- a nomadic tribal people who were selling their crafts in the city. Their hair and skin are covered in a stone and butter mixture. I traded her my digital watch for some bracelets.

 

                                                                 Team :)

 A Kwanyama woman- they only wear clothing dyed hot pink and jewelery made out of ostrich eggs! True story.

A Walk in the City

Imagine a place where Pocahontas runs with the Amish. And women from the renaissance mingle with gangsters from the 80s.

 These are the streets of Windhoek, the most interesting city in the world.

The Namibian Dream

The jeep slowly makes its way up the path. 

 Bump bump bump.

 Women with buckets on their heads walk alongside.

 And children run by barefoot, with babies strapped to their backs.

 Bump bump bump.

 Men burning their trash outside of their homes.

 Their homes made of tin line the mountains.

Where their chicken and dogs roam free.

 We get to the church, at the highest point. It too is made of tin, and held up by branches.

The people of Havannah have nothing. And want nothing, but to worship out God in Spirit and Truth.

"How excellent is our God- We love you Lord!"

They sing and dance in 20 part harmony, till I think the roof will cave!

What do you need?? "We need Bibles!"

What can we get for you??? "Get us preaching materials!!"

 How wonderful is our God- we love you Lord!" They dance on. 

 Jesus knew. He said blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!

Of spiritual poverty, St. Augustine de Sales writes:

       Woe to be rich in spirit, for theirs must be the bitterness of hell. By rich in spirit I mean him whose riches   engross his mind, or whose mind is buried in his riches. He is poor in spirit whose heart is not filled  with the love of riches, whose mind is not set upon them. Do not let the mind which is in the likeness of God cleave to mere earthly goods!

That afternoon the people of Havannah gave me so much. 

"How perfect is our God- we love you Lord!"

Silvunga's Smile

He sits and tells stories. Once a journalist and news reporter, he speaks of the details of his life vividly. His town attacked, he had to dodge missiles. There was a warrant for his head, dead or alive, so he had to flee in the night. Although weak with malaria, he ran on foot to find his family. Together they escaped to a camp, where there were not enough rations to go around. Everything is ok now. The war is over and his family is safe.

His eyes have seen the horrors of this depraved world. Yet they sparkle and dance when he talks. His smile is as big as his face, and his laughter as loud as the thunder. They say that this is the way its always been. 

If I am ever to suffer I want to do so as Silvunga, with as much faith as I can muster, and all the joy to be had.

All Grown Up

I'm working on a painting in class. On a 3 ft canvas I'm putting on the first layers of oils. Right now I have big bright colored shapes. Its the basics, and if done right, the rest of the painting will have boldness and depth, perspective and beautiful intricacies. But for now it looks like its done by a child.

I'm such a baby. I've hardly had to say goodbye before but always the thought of those words saddens me to the point to tears. Ill be gone only a month. Yet I dread it. Being detached from the ones I love is the thing I'm scared of.  People roll their eyes and I keep sniffling.

I'm a child. I am a daddy's girl and my family takes care of almost all of my needs, especially connectedness and relationship.

I'm a woman. I have will and power and belonging; I live out my identity and personhood in accordance with my convictions. I have well formed goals that drive my life and a Love that drives my being.

Somedays these layers of my life run together in a transparency that takes on the depth that my painting will someday have. Today these layers are a mess.I might have to get my act together.

I'm going to wipe my tears, and end this post like every other big-girl blogger out there, with the final sip of my coffee and the closing of my computer and the list of to-dos this day has for me.

My First

          Time stands still. With a photograph or a journal entry, a moment is captured forever.  The glory of man fades away. But the time capsule will remain buried in our yard till the end of time. And the words typed here will orbit cyber space even longer.

         I want to hold on to the moments of life. I want to be a better communicator. I want to remain connected to you who are far. And I want to be like the ones I love, and most of you have a blog.

         I love reading your blogs, and it gives me the courage to have one of my own. You’re vulnerable, random, creative, and quirky. You’re funny and weird and deep.  Your grammar sucks, its immaculate, its whatever you want it to be. Ten times a day I wish I had one. Today I wanted to write about all these things.

I saw a robin in a tree. 

I got a bug hut. 

I got new dresses at Urban. 

I finished Les Mis.

I went for a walk.

I made some really good burned butter cookies. 

I sat with my sister for hours, reading old journals. 

I love the She and Him cd.

I went to a cooking class. 

And my heart soared. 

Here’s to my day.  To blogging. To birds, and songs and sisters.